Only In My Dreams
by FallingThroughSpaceAndTime
Summary: I should have taken that bullet for you, all because the thought of living without you was so much worse than the thought of not living at all. But now you're only in my dreams, and it's far too late for all of that. Wolfstar, Remus/Sirius


You laugh, a joyous smile dancing on your lips. Your black hair flies free in the wind, your fringe plastered to your forehead with a sickly layer of blood.

"Sirius?" I call your name but you don't hear, you can't hear. For every step I take towards you, you take two steps back.

"Remus. Remus." Your eyes are glazed and have a faraway look, and a tear falls from my eye as you mumble my name. I keep walking towards you, my hand outstretched, willing you to take it in your own, to hold me, to whisper in my ear how much you love me. But you don't.

And suddenly you're falling, falling though the ground that is no longer there, your mouth open in a scream that is lost to the wind. I drop to my knees, my hands clawing desperately at my face, nails digging into flesh, drawing blood that splashes onto the ground and mixes with your own until I can no longer tell them apart.

I stumble to my feet and run after you. I don't even know the point at which I started falling, but suddenly the ground is rushing up to me and I hit it with such force that I can feel the bones in my back cracking, yet not a sound escapes my lips. I just lie there, numb and broken and bleeding. Until I see you.

You're so close, but I can't, I can't reach you, even though I badly want to, if only to touch you just one more time. Your body lies motionless, your neck snapped, your legs bent, your grey eyes still and unseeing.

Only then do I scream.

…

"Remus?" Molly's warm, concerned voice tugs me gently away from my sleep, my mind still swimming with the vivid details of my dream. I let out a small groan, my hand flying instinctively to the left side of my bed, a deep pang shooting through my exhausted body as all it connects with is bed sheets.

"Remus?" Molly asks again. I blearily open one eye and look at her, my thoughts far from the woman before me.

"Molly," I state weakly.

"Harry's downstairs." She smiles sadly. "And he's wondering where you are."

"Fine," I groan, throwing off the duvet that was once Sirius' and reaching for my discarded shirt. I trudge down the stairs after Molly and follow her into the kitchen. Harry sits hunched over the table, Ron opposite, Hermione with her arm over his shoulder.

"Um, hi," I cough uncertainly. Three sets of eyes focus on my face and I wince at the poorly disguised looks on shock they send my way. I realise for the first time how awful I must look, with my bloodshot eyes and my tear stained cheeks and messy hair and half done up shirt. But I can't do anything about that, don't they understand? Not the hair, because Sirius used to play with it, and he always told me how much he loved it, and he used to tie daisies into it which I'd forget about and leave in all day. Not the shirt, because it was Sirius' shirt, and it still has the chocolate stain on the front from when I spilt my hot chocolate all over him and I was so afraid I had burnt him but he just laughed and pulled me onto his lap. And not the tears, because it was Sirius who would stop them falling and now he's gone.

"Professor Lup- Remus." Hermione says quietly. "Are you.. okay?"

"He's gone." I whisper, but the scream rises in my throat before I can control it and I'm shouting at them. "He's fucking gone, how could I possibly be okay?" Hermione bursts into tears, Ron glares at me and Harry is trembling, but whether from anger or grief I can't tell. "Sorry." My voice is a whisper again, and I walk out the kitchen, slamming the door behind me. Hermione's next words mumbled from behind the wood stop me dead in my tracks.

"I saw them kissing me once." She says quietly. The ground rushes up towards me as I smack my head against the steps.

…

When I was a kid, I always hoped that one day I would love someone so much that not a mountain, or a river, or an ocean could keep us apart. That a thousand wars and all the gods could go against us and I would find a way. It never occurred to me that the one you take the bullet for is far too often the one who pulls the trigger.

I finally reached my goal and you crumbled into nothing. Everything I had laid out for us you threw into the wind. For so many wonderful years I was flying at your side and then you snapped my wing and I was tumbling back down to Earth.

In my dreams I was on top of the world. I looked down on everything and everyone below me and I saw you. Your voice sang like an angel in my ear, and your face shone like a star. No one warned me that when a star dies it becomes a black hole, and there would be no escaping your pull.

I could have taken that bullet for you. I should have taken that bullet for you, all because the thought of living without you was so much worse than the thought of not living at all. But I wasn't even there for you, I couldn't even hold you as you died. I held Harry back because I needed to remember that there was still something, something to keep me from walking right through that veil after you, but everything was slipping away. Everything inside of me was screaming for you, and the second Harry broke free I was running towards the veil and our positions were reversed and I was the one being held back as I sobbed and fought and swore to kill them, to kill them all.

Your face dances in front of my eyes. You're laughing- you always were. _Time to wake up, Remus, love. Come on. Time to wake up…_

…

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Harry says dryly, and he dabs my forehead with a damp cloth. I'm bleeding, I think. My head feels like it is being split open, and perhaps that's why I can see him, sitting on the windowsill. He looks eighteen again, with floppy black curls and cool, grey eyes and an easy smile. Why can't Harry see him? Why isn't he jumping up and down in joy and laughing and crying and screaming all at the same time? Tears roll down my cheeks.

"Because I'm in your head, Remy. Don't you know that?" His voice is soft- he's teasing me.

"Why aren't you real?" I whisper. "Why can't you just be real?"

"He must be delirious." Ron states bluntly.

"No, he's not," Hermione retorts sharply. "He's in love. Come on, Ron, Harry. Leave him alone." She catches my eye as she leads the others out. _Thank you._

"You know they care about you, Moony. They just want to make sure you're okay." Sirius smiles calmly, and suddenly I'm flying across the room and into his arms and I'm sobbing like there's no tomorrow, and he feels so real. His hands are in my hair and his lips are pressed against my forehead, and I bury my face in his shoulder, in his dark curls, and the flashbacks are coming so fast that I can do nothing but stand there as they play out.

…

I am thirteen, and trembling. _You're a werewolf. We all know it. You're a werewolf, Remus._ The words cut my heart like a stone, and I start to break down, because I thought I had finally found a place where I could be myself, and now they want me gone. I should have known it was going to happen, I should have been prepared, but now it's upon me and I don't know what to do.

"I completely understand if you want me to go." I'm trying to look strong but my voice is breaking. "Don't worry about it. I can be gone tomorrow, if you want, and then you'll never have to see me again."

"What are you talking about?" James asks, incredulous.

"I'm- I'm a monster." I mumble, ignoring the tears burning in my eyes. "There are people out there who would happily kill me. I'll be sentenced to Azkaban if I hurt anyone. They'll kill me if I hurt anyone. And you probably want to kick me out, so I'll just go-"

"Sorry, why would we kick you out? You fold your socks, you're friends with all the house elves, you cry at the end of the books when the guy runs into the rain to tell the girl he loves her. I apologise if I'm not trembling in terror at the sight of you." James' voice is amused.

"So you- you don't think I'm a monster?" I ask, hope rising in my chest.

"'Course not."

"And you're not going to kick me out?" It's too good to be true.

"No! We'd never do that, Remus." I throw my arms around his neck, and he chuckles, and Peter's there too, hugging me, and all three of us are laughing, and I'm crying with relief and joy and-

There's someone missing. Sirius.

He's not going to accept me. I'm going to have to leave anyway.

He's standing at the side, his eyes wide, his cheeks wet with something I would think was tears if they weren't on him.

"Remus." His voice is hoarse.

"Sirius, I-" I don't get to finish my sentence before he buries his head in my shoulder, shaking with sobs and laughter, and I hold him just as he holds me and it faintly occurs to me that our bodies fit together like they were made for each other.

"Oh god, Remus, you were talking about leaving, about people killing you, and I thought- I thought I was going to lose you, and that-" He breaks off and pulls away from me, embarrassed by his actions.

"I didn't think you cared that much." I mumble.

"Of course I care, Remy. Of course I care."

…

I am fourteen and I am breaking. They promised two years ago they'd help me but every full moon I'm alone and all I can do is claw at myself and bite and scratch and when I wake up I can hardly stand. They always visit me in the Hospital Wing, every time, they watch from the dormitory and the second they see Pomfrey carrying me from the tree they sneak out, even though it's so early in the morning. They're always there, except for the times when they can't be.

He's the first thing I see when I open my eyes. I'm in my own bed, but just the matter of focusing on his face is an effort. Three days have passed since my last transformation, but this month was particularly bad and none of the scars have even remotely healed. His dark curls brush against my face and I feel a blush rising up my cheeks at his closeness.

"Moony, are you okay?" His voice is concerned. "You were screaming again..." He trails off. "Moony, what made this month different? You didn't even let us come and see you in the Hospital Wing. How bad are the scars?"

"Sirius, it's fine, just leave it." I whisper, my voice broken.

"Remus, how bad are the scars?" He sounds so stern, I would have laughed, but I tried that and it hurts. I simply shake my head at him. He glares at me for a second, and then seems to come to a decision. Ignoring my protests, he leans forward and starts to unbutton my shirt.

"What are you-" I'm cut off as a sharp hiss escapes his lips. His fingers trace the thin scar that runs from my shoulder to my hip.

"Bloody hell, Remus," He chokes out. "You should have told us. We could help."

"I didn't want to trouble you," I mumble.

"Don't you know we care about you, Remus? Don't you know I care about you?" I look at him and our eyes meet. "Come on. Let's get some of this cleared up." He lifts me up bridal style and my mouth splits into a grin. He laughs and carries me into the bathroom. He pushes my shirt off my shoulders and gently massages my back, rubbing soapy water on to my skin to remove the dried blood.

...

I am sixteen and this is possibly the worse day of my life so far.

Sirius knew something was wrong the second I walked into the dormitory. He looked up from the potions essay he had done four lines of, and watched as I took off my tie and undid the top button of my shirt, pointedly ignoring his gaze, because if I catch his eyes, if I catch anyone's eye, I don't think I'll be able to hold it in.

"Moony, what's wrong?" At the sound of his voice I burst into tears and sink to the ground, drawing my knees close to my body and burying my head in them. "Moony!"

James and Peter come up to me, and all three voices are talking at once, and it's so loud and I can't breathe and oh _shit._ Sirius' hand is on my shoulder, and he's whispering soft words in my ear, and I can feel his breath on my cheek.

"Just leave me alone," I sob. "Leave me alone!" _They just want to help you. Stop shouting at them._

That night, I hesitantly pull back the curtains around Sirius' bed.

"Padfoot?" I hiss into the darkness. "Are you awake?"

"'Course I am. I think we all are. You were crying pretty loudly, Moony." He whispers softly.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"What happened? Remus, what happened? Don't try to lie to me, I know that look." His face appears, the tip of his wand ignited.

"Mum." My voice is hardly audible, and Sirius is struggling to hear it. Tears fall down my cheek again. "Mum- Mum's dead." The silence is deafening. I know James and Peter are listening in, but I can't take my eyes off the boy in front of me.

"Remy... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," His arms reach out and embrace me, and I sob into his shoulder.

"Could I- could I maybe stay here tonight?" I ask quietly. Sirius shifts slightly and lies back down, his arms still around me, still protecting me, just like Mum used to.

After this I find it difficult to get to sleep without him, and it's why I stole his scarf and keep it hidden under my pillow.

...

I am eighteen, and in love.

With my best friend.

My best _guy_ friend.

And I'm a werewolf.

A gay werewolf in love with my best friend.

The knife cuts into my skin. _Idiot. Ugly. Stupid._ I carve the words into my flesh, and they leave marks not only my skin but on my heart as well. Everything he says is written on my arm, every foul curse and passing remark. I don't even think he realises he's saying them, but every time he does I excuse myself, and I lock myself in our dormitory and cry my eyes out because the love of my life thinks I'm a waste of space. It's getting worse. Every time he looks at me, his eyes are full of pain and confusion and anger, and I don't know why…

"Moony, let me in!" Sirius pounds on the door, but the words he uttered downstairs still ring in my ears. _Don't be such a git, Remus. Stop being stupid._ "Moony? Remus!" He is panicking now, shouting at James to help him open the door. I try to get up, but I think I cut too deep because I can't move my arm and there's so much blood. The door crashes open, broken off its hinges, and my three friends come rushing in.

" _Shit,_ Remus!" Sirius is by my side, shouting choked orders to James and Peter to go and get Madame Pomfrey, to get help, and then he's looking at me and there's that same confusion and pain in his eyes but there's also _fear._ " _Shit, Remus, what have you done?_ "

He's sobbing, his head resting on my chest, his hand clutching the sleeve of my shirt, his eyes blurred with salty tears and I just want to lean forward and kiss his hair and tell him that _I'm sorry._

"What did you do?" He moves forward, his hair brushing against my face, his hands cradling my head. " _Remus!_ " He shouts. "Remus, look at me. Look at me." My eyes focus on his face. His beautiful face.

"I-" The words form in my mouth but I can't get them to pass my lips. "I- didn't- didn't- mean to. Sorry- Siri- I'm so- sorry-" I'm feeling dizzy. So _dizzy._

His hands rip off my shirt, trying to assess the damage I've done to myself. And then his eyes catch on my arm and a string of curses tumble from his mouth.

" _Fuck, Remus. Fucking hell._ " He gently traces the words I've etched onto my skin, and something I can't make out flashes across his face. He begins to shake, his face contorted with pain, his eyes wide and full of horror.

"I-" I have to say it. "I had to be reminded-" I'm cut off as a spasm of pain ricochets through my body. "That I'm not- good enough for you." His hand finds my cheek. "Not good enough for you, Siri."

"Remus. My beautiful Remus. This is my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not good enough for _you_ , Remy, not the other way around. Don't you ever think for a second you're not good enough, you hear? Don't you ever think you're not perfect." He gathers my frail body up in his arms and pulls me close to him.

"Love- you," I whisper. "Love you, Siri." I turn to look at him, and his eyes are alight.

"Love you more, Remy." He crashes his lips down onto mine, and he doesn't care and I don't care that James and Peter are back in the room with Madame Pomfrey, because all that exists in this moment is him and me and no one else.

…

I am twenty-two and my life is crumbling around me.

 _I hate you. I hate you. I hate you._ I scream the words into the night, my silver patronus dancing in front of my eyes. _Marry me,_ you had said. _Stay with me._ For how long? _Forever._

But you killed them. Lily and James and Peter. I've lost so much, Sirius, couldn't you understand that? Couldn't you understand that one more loss would break me? Maybe that's what you wanted. Maybe you wanted to break me, shatter me into a thousand tiny shards, like how you broke the mirror when you and I fought. There's nothing for me here anymore.

The boy survived. Harry survived. That wasn't part of the plan, was it? The whole point was for him to die, but haven't you ever read a book? The bad guys never win. _They never win, Sirius._ How long did you lie to me? How many weeks or months or years have you lied to me? I fucking _trusted_ you. And you betrayed me. You betrayed us.

There isn't an us anymore. Just a me. And I'm alone and grieving and _how fucking could you they trusted you I trusted you I LOVED YOU._

I loved you. There was a time when I would have shouted that. I would have shouted and shouted and not cared who the hell heard me. I would have taken a bullet for you. But you fired that bullet and the only person there to take it was you.

The silver dog bounces around the room and I lift the bottle of firewhiskey to my lips, draining it in one.

…

I am thirty-four, and I cannot run fast enough. I let the words run through my head. _Map. Pettigrew. Alive. Sirius. Innocent._

The Whomping Willow, the tree which holds so many memories, some bad, some even worse, but all seared into my mind like a flame, looms in front of me. The air is cold, and it bites at my cheeks, but I don't feel it because one feeling is filling my whole body, not leaving any room for anything else.

I was wrong. All these years I was wrong. Sirius is innocent. My Sirius. It doesn't bring James back and it doesn't bring Lily back and it _certainly_ won't help Peter when I get my hands on him but I've never felt more happy and I've never felt more alive. I hated Sirius and I hated myself because I didn't hate him, not really, not at all.

I don't even care that it was Peter. I'm not even angry. Not right now. I'm sure I will be, at some point, I'm sure I will raise my wand and whisper the words and watch the green flash of light suck out his life but right now I really don't care. Because _Sirius ispinnocent._

He never lied to me. He never betrayed me. He always loved me. Just as I always loved him.

The Willow stands still for me as I sprint beneath its branches. It's been years since I was last down here and now the tunnel seems so much smaller. I crawl, on my hands and knees, as quickly as I possibly can, and there's a longing and a desperation for the one man I never thought I'd see again but who stole my heart so completely and utterly that I didn't know it was happening until it was too late.

I don't care that my footsteps echo around the shack, as long as I can get to him. Hermione is shrieking upstairs, and if she's there that must be where he is too. I burst into the room, and take in the sight of Harry restraining Sirius, his face dark with fury and hatred, Ron, his leg bleeding, and Hermione, her wand directed at Sirius.

" _Expelliarmus!_ " I catch all three wands with my left hand, and train my own at Sirius. "Where is he, Sirius?" My voice shakes. Sirius stares up at me, his eyes full of longing and love and hope. I watch as he raises his hand and points at the rat in Ron's lap.

"But then… why hasn't he shown himself before? You switched, didn't you? Without telling me? You switched without telling me, Sirius?" He slowly nods, and I lower my wand, ignoring Harry's shocked outbursts, and I stretch out a hand to help him up. Once he's standing, I throw my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder, and our bodies still fit together so perfectly, even after all this time.

"I thought I'd lost you." I whisper, so only he can hear.

"Remy." His voice is failing him, I can tell, because I still know him so well.

"Sirius." His hand reaches for my hair and I move to kiss him but stop because Harry's still shouting and can't he bloody see we're in the middle of something here?

…

I am thirty-five and oh fuck Harry's in the Triwizard Tournament. I really should have seen it coming. Sirius has been stomping around the house for a week now, glaring at everyone who comes near him, but I don't mind because sometimes I still find it so hard to believe that he's here. Harry's on the front page of the Daily Prophet, and the other champions' names are only mentioned in the last sentence and all three are incorrectly spelt.

"Have you seen this?" Sirius asks one morning, slamming the paper down on the table in front of me. " _Eyes glimmering with the ghosts of his past?_ I mean, who came up with this crap?"

"Sirius, calm down." I say gently, placing a hand on his arm. "Just… calm down. You're not going to help him by getting all worked up about this."

"But I'm his godfather, Remus, I'm supposed to look after him!" He puts his head in his hands.

"This wasn't your fault. This _wasn't your fault._ There's nothing you can do for him right now. I know you feel responsible, but Moody's up at the school, and Hermione and Ron will watch out for him, and who in their right mind would try to hurt Harry while Albus Dumbledore is there?"

He leans his head towards me, and I absently stroke his hair and press a kiss on his forehead.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles.

"For what?"

"For those twelve years. They must have been hell for you." That's certainly one way to put it. I think of the way I cried myself to sleep every night. I think of the way I ripped and tore at myself every transformation because there was no one to keep me human,u and no one to heal me when I changed back and I was bleeding, and how I'll have those scars for the rest of my life. I think of the anger I felt, the betrayal, because I had found someone who I would die for, and he let me down. A tear I just can't hold in slips down my cheek.

I mean to kiss his curls but he sees what I'm about to do and moves his head so fast that my lips fall onto his and he's kissing me and I'm kissing him and there's so much passion and longing and all the built up tension of twelve years apart and we're breaking, slipping, and there's nothing either of us can do about it. His hands are in my hair and he's pulling me closer and closer, and mine are on his shirt, and I'm grabbing fistfuls of the fabric and I'm pulling him closer and closer.

"Remy," he mumbles against my lips.

"Siri," I whisper back.

"Love you, Remy."

"Love you more, Sirius."

…

I'm shaking and he's whispering soothing words in my ears. We're still standing together, me clinging to him as if I'd go flying into space if I let go, him with his arms around me, supporting my weight, and for a second I don't even care that he's just a figment of my imagination.

"I can't stay," he whispers.

"Don't talk." I say quietly, my hand moving up into his hair. "Just… Don't." We stay there, together, for what might have been hours but was probably more like minutes.

"What do I do without you?" And that sets us both off and we're sobbing, our foreheads pressed together, his grey eyes focused on my amber ones, his strong fingers entwined in my pale ones.

"You'll be fine. Remy, look at me. Look at me. Just… you'll be fine. And I'll never be too far away. We'll always be watching over you, me and Lily and James." But the tears are coming hard and fast and like a storm I can't stop them.

"Look after Harry for us." He sounds tired. He needs to go.

"Of course."

"I've always loved you, Remy. Always loved you. Always will."

"I… I love you too." My voice is breaking and if Sirius wasn't in my head he wouldn't have been able to hear that.

"Then hold on to that. Hold on to that, my love." And with that he's gone.

I curl up on the bed and cry.

…

He's always in my dreams. Sometimes he's just a shadow in the background, but sometimes he's right there, in the middle, laughing and holding me and kissing me. I dream about being bitten, about the agony, about how my father ran into the garden after hearing my screams, but it wasn't my father at all. It was a teenager with dark curls and grey eyes and an easy smile. He scooped me up and carried me inside, where he gave me chocolate and he sat with me until the pain went away. _Don't worry, Remy, it'll get better soon,_ he had told me. I dream about them finding out about my _furry little problem,_ as James so adequately put it. And then the dream went dark and they were hurling insults at me. Monster. Freak. Dangerous. _Werewolf._ But the boy with the dark curls and grey eyes and easy smile didn't mock me, instead he helped me. He protected me when no one else seemed to want to.

Tonks had told me that she knew she could only ever have half my heart, because the other heart belonged to the boy with the dark curls and grey eyes and easy smile, but that she didn't mind. She married me to prove it. I don't regret Teddy- I never have, because you can't regret something you love that deeply, but each time I look at him I think of Sirius, and I long for him to be our child, not mine and Tonks'.

…

All my life I promised I'd take a bullet for you. All those times I could have, but I didn't and the bullet rebounded straight into you. And now you're not even here, so I can't take the bullet for you but I can take it for someone else. Just for a second, just for a _second,_ it's not Neville crouching in the courtyard, terror etched on his face, cornered by Dolohov, but you, your eyes pleading with me, and I don't even think as I leap in front of the curse.

I think I give Neville time to get away. I hope I do anyway. They say the killing curse is painless and instant. It's not really- it hurts a bit, but I guess it's pretty quick. Already the sounds of the battle are dying away, and I think of Tonks, and Teddy, and you…

…

I wake up and I have absolutely no idea where I am. The sunlight glares in my eyes, the grass beneath me is a lush green, and somewhere in the distance I can hear waves lapping against the shore of a great lake.

"Not you too, Remus," a voice calls, and suddenly they're all there. James. Lily. Sirius.

 _Sirius._

I'm up on my feet and I'm running. My feet are flying beneath me, my heart pounding, and he's running too, and neither of us care about anything else but each other and pushing through space and time until we're together again. His eyes are alight and he's laughing and I'm laughing too as I leap into his arms and we collide, tears streaming down my face. I don't care that I'm hurting from crashing into him so fast, or that he's probably hurting too. I don't care that I'm dead, or that Lily and James are watching, and he's lifted me right off the ground and is swinging me around and I feel sixteen years old again. And then we've stopped spinning and slowly, slowly, he lowers me down until our foreheads are touching and I melt into him as he kisses me.

 _Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. Wish I did._

 _AN: The thing I love about Harry is he's as perceptive as a pile of bricks. Remus and Sirius could have been together and he would not have noticed. Anyway, this took me ages, so please review - what do you think? Any ideas for improvement or other oneshots? I really love writing and your feedback would be so helpful and also it would make my day. thanks x_


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